Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the tendency to set unrealistically high standards and base self-worth on flawless performance, often paralyzing progress and creating chronic anxiety.
You're not alone
If your capable teen won't turn in assignments unless they're perfect, melts down over minor mistakes, or avoids activities they might not excel at immediately, you're seeing perfectionism. This affects 30 percent of teens, particularly high-achievers and those with anxiety. Social media's highlight reels and competitive academic environments fuel perfectionism. Recovery requires redefining success and self-worth.
What it looks like day to day
Student
Your teen spends six hours on an assignment that should take one, erasing and rewriting until the paper tears, never satisfied with their work.
Parent
You praise a 95% test score and your teen fixates on the questions missed, genuinely believing they're a failure.
Tiny steps to try
- 1
Model imperfection
Share your mistakes openly. Normalize failure as part of learning, not evidence of inadequacy.
- 2
Process praise
Focus on effort and strategy, not outcomes. "You tried something new" beats "perfect score!"
- 3
Good enough practice
Set "good enough" standards for low-stakes tasks. Not everything deserves perfection.
- 4
Time limits
Impose deadlines that prevent endless perfecting. "You have one hour, then we submit whatever's done."
- 5
Mistake celebrations
Create a family practice of sharing daily failures. Make mistakes normal, even valuable.
Why perfectionism sabotages success
Perfectionism seems like it should drive achievement, but it actually prevents risk-taking, learning, and completion. Perfect becomes the enemy of done.
How perfectionism manifests:
• Procrastinating to avoid imperfect results
• Spending excessive time on simple tasks
• Unable to submit "good enough" work
• Avoiding challenges that risk failure
• Harsh self-criticism over minor mistakes
• All-or-nothing thinking about success
Perfectionism isn't high standards. It's impossible standards that guarantee failure and self-punishment.
References
Greenspon, T. S. (2000). "Healthy perfectionism" is an oxymoron! Journal of Secondary Gifted Education, 11(4), 197-208.
Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456-470.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Isn't striving for excellence good?
Excellence and perfectionism are different. Excellence involves high standards with self-compassion and flexibility. Perfectionism demands impossible standards with harsh self-judgment. Excellence celebrates progress; perfectionism only sees shortfalls. Teach your teen to strive for growth and learning, not flawlessness.
My teen's perfectionism seems to be getting worse. Why?
Social media, academic competition, and college admissions pressure intensify perfectionism. Teens see curated success everywhere while their own struggles feel unique. Perfectionism also increases during transitions and stress. Address underlying anxiety, limit social media comparisons, and emphasize growth over achievement.
Related Terms
Growth Mindset
Growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence rather than being fixed traits.
Procrastination
Procrastination is delaying tasks despite knowing there will be negative consequences, often driven by emotional avoidance rather than poor time management.
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